Ronald Amin Lee

Ambition

2010-02-09T16:46:00.000-08:00

The word ambition is an incredibly powerful word. A strong desire for success. A cherished desire. That's ambition. Think about it and let it sink in. Do you have it in your life?

I think I am turning neurotic. Psychotic? I don't even know what these words really mean but I use it. I am despondent. What does despondent mean?

I'd give up everything in the world to be a concert pianist. But if I were a concert pianist, I'd probably want to give it up for something else.

I'd give up everything for one more day back. But I'd probably waste it on me. And not on you.

God where are you?

No Class Today

2010-02-09T16:10:00.000-08:00

I had no class today and I did not do anything. I am intentionally writing down this moment so that in the future I can regret it.

Say it ain't so

2010-02-09T11:53:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I am more afraid she will say yes than no.

Isn't that sad?

7 Minutes

2010-02-08T08:53:00.001-08:00

I have seven minutes until class and I don't really know what I can do in seven minutes. I guess not much anymore. So that's why I decided to write in this blog. I'm not doing anything for Valentine's Day. Oh well.

6 minutes. That took a minute.

I should really get dressed. Yeah I'm just gonna get dressed.

3 minutes. I decided to go and check the mail.

Well. that's it - goodbye.

A rant about nothing.

2009-04-20T21:30:00.000-07:00

As I was thinking about this blog, I started to really wonder what I should write about. And it wasn’t as easy as I expected it to be. To be honest, this is probably the most freedom a student in college can have in writing. I guess I want to talk a little bit about freedom among other things. To be honest, lately I have been so frustrated by the system. And the question you probably have right now is “what does this kid mean by the system?” the answer: I really don’t know. I define it mainly as just the way things are run. The laws or rules that are set for the lives we have to live. I am not talking about the written law. The written law can be easily broken – I am talking about laws that are inherent in society. I am talking about the unspoken (or usually unspoken) law that we all follow without ever even knowing it. It’s almost like a game – a game that is restricted not by the rules of the game but by the design of the game. For example, in the game Tetris, the rules are simple: you must stack these differently shaped blocks accordingly and have those all align in a straight line to rid of them, and you must keep doing this before you reach the top, which is when you lose. Now you can be good at playing by the written rules and keep playing for a very long time, but eventually you will always hit the top and you will lose. However, sometimes the written rules can be broken. Sometimes you can hold a piece forever to give you time to think by constantly rotating it or moving it left and right. And this will help you gain an advantage and keep playing. You feel like you have so much freedom. YOU are the one that places the block in the perfect spot. YOU are the one that rotates it the perfect way. YOU are the one who decides what to do. But as you keep going, trying to exploit the rules so that you can keep playing, it is hard to see how restricted you really are. You are restricted by the space you are given. You can only stack in this 8 square distance and you are limited by its walls. The limits were already set by the creators of the game and there is nothing you can do about it. You can never move more than you want to pass the barriers. And you are also restricted to the pieces that come up – they are entirely out of your control. And I guess once you realize that – once you see that you really have no control over the game and the whole time the freedom you had was just an illusion, then I guess that’s the point where you get a bit sad. And this is just Tetris.

Lately, I have been seeing this everywhere. For example, at school it feels as if I have so much freedom. It feels like I have the “power” to do anything I want – I can choose which major to choose, I can choose which career to take, and I can choose which classes to pick. I can do all these things. I have that freedom. Yet I am so restricted. I can only choose out of this limited list of majors, a limited list of careers, and a limited list of classes. You are free to choose the classes and the majors that are allowed or chosen already for you. There are things that will just not be allowed to be taught at this university such as religion as a faith. Even more specific than that, in your classes you must learn exactly what is taught. And what you learn has already been picked by someone before. And as you start realizing this, you start realizing that you never had any power, you never had any freedom. And as you start going even deeper, you realize that you are more restricted than you think. You are restricted to words you can say, thoughts you can think, ideas you can write. Also you are restricted not only to what you write, but how you write. You must write in the right way. If you do not, you will be disciplined. You will be corrected. You will be restricted until you don’t realize the restriction or the discipline. The discipline becomes invisible and you suddenly feel you are the one making the choice to write in the correct way because you believe that it is the right thing to do. You might doubt that this happens, but it happens every second of your life. It happens when you are in conversation with friends, colleagues, or superiors. You are trained to talk in a way that is acceptable. If you say something wrong, you get an unusual stare, or possibly even a glare warning you that it’s wrong. But really you won’t make that mistake anymore anyway. You’ve been disciplined well enough (especially if you’ve “made it” to Berkeley) to not say or do anything in that way. And in this new age of technology, it becomes easier to discipline you. As I am writing this, the program is automatically correcting my improperness. My improper spelling, my improper grammar, my improper everything written (by the way there is a green line under this sentence). And as you realize this, you realize how much more restricted you are. You must put a comma in the right place; you must start your sentence with a capital. The letter “I” must be capitalized when alone. And some of these corrections are automatic. So you can keep making the mistake and it will correct you. You don’t even realize this. I have been trying to not start my sentences with a capital for the past 3 sentences. But it continues to correct me. And I can’t even put a period anywhere I want. Well I could. Like. This. But. It. Just. Kind. Of. Starts. To. Get. Annoying. For. Me. To. Type. And. Im. Sure. For. You. To. Read. and. Im. Sure. It. Bothers. You. More. Than. You. Think. It. Would. But. Even. Here. I. am. So. Restricted. Iwantabitmorefreedomivedecidednottouseanyspacesoranycapitalsoranyperiodsany

morebutiguessasicontinuetodosomethinglikethisitbecomeshardertounderstandmeitwilltakeyouawhile But honestly if I wrote like that, you’d probably be too frustrated. And I wouldn’t want to do that. To be honest, it was starting to frustrate me.

Here comes this blog and I start thinking about it. And it is difficult to write about anything. There were just too many things that I could have possibly written about. How odd it was that with a medium that finally gives me so much freedom made me want to create restrictions. I wanted to narrow down my choices so that I won’t have to make a choice that is too difficult. I wanted someone to make the choice for me. So I guess the worst part about all of this is that I need this system. Even though I hate it, even though I know how restricted I really am, I need it. And that’s what pisses me off the most. I want to escape to the same place I want to escape from.

And I really hate how school works. It creates an environment of dissatisfaction. I have two choices: I can submit to this world and continue to follow its rules and regulations and do well or I can have my freedom and fail at life. There are no real other choices. Either lose freedom and gain success or gain freedom and lose success. Which will give me greater joy: freedom or success? I do not know. But I have chosen success. I have chosen my whole college career to submit to the rules. And I was happy. You know why? Because I felt that I chose it on my own because I had the freedom to do all these things. It was me who did it. No – it was the world. The world disciplined me into believing such things and the world disciplined me into being such a person – they controlled me, conformed me, and ultimately created who I am. And when I realized this, I guess you can say that’s when I got a bit sad. And the truth is – I want the success but I want the idea to be mine. But the idea of success that I want already belongs to this world. I cannot break loose. The only thing I can do is forget about it. I can finally submit and do exactly what the world wants – for me to never see the hand of discipline. I can believe that I have the freedom to have success. And that’s the limit. I have to blind myself. But can anyone ever truly feign ignorance? Perhaps all you can is pizza. It is delicious. Let me list you the ways. Bread: good; tomato sauce: good; cheese: good; meat toppings: gooood. Therefore, pizza: GOOOOD! Seriously though. Pizza is delicious. From dominoes pizza to cheeseboard pizza to zachary’s, all pizza is good. You can eat it when its fresh and hot while the cheese melts off as you are sliding the pizza away and the grease drips slowly off the side or when it’s cold and refreshing. So good. So perfect. You know the truth is – you only get hungry a few times a day. So you should really spend it wisely. Don’t waste your hunger on things like chips or anything weak like that. Spend it on something that will taste good and fill you up. Like pizza. And occasionally a salad to fight off heart disease. You can say what you want, but pizza is great. I am not arguing it’s the best food. I am just saying it is great. Now, before it’s too late: call a pizza restaurant and get some delivered to you right now. Or you can go somewhere like cheeseboard pizza. Walk down Shattuck until you hit Cedar. It’s somewhere around there. They only make one type of pizza each day so hope you get lucky too. Trust me, you will love it. Take your friends. I promise you it will make these words taste so much better.

Crushed Frisbee

2009-03-18T15:04:00.001-07:00

Remember the day when our frisbee fell into the street while we were throwing it around and then we were all standing around watching when a huge SUV intentionally ran over it? Do you remember? Pretty freakin hilarious. I still laugh thinking about it - I don't know why. We had just bought that frisbee too. It was tournament edition too. I still have the frisbee in my closet. Pretty freakin hilarious.

A notebook found

2009-03-11T00:57:00.001-07:00

An interesting thing happened last night. Before I went to bed, I was looking for my journal that I wrote while I was in Cambodia, and I could not find it. I was looking for it because I wrote it during a brighter time in my life and I wanted it because I wanted to know the things I was thinking when God was on my mind all the time. Lately, I've been on a slippery slope and I was hoping that it could bring me back to a time when it was easier to smile. I havn't read the journal once since I came back about 7 months ago. And I thought I lost it. So I just went to sleep. I guess its a reflection of how easily I give up when searching for God.

But thats not the peculiar part. It happened in the middle of the night. I awoke randomly to a noise. First, I'd like to say that rarely do I wake up from my sleep other than my alarm. So rare is such an occasion that I can faintly recall a time before when it happened. I am a very deep sleeper. But last night, I awoke to something that dropped at the top of my bed. I should mention that my roommate and I share a bunk bed, and I sleep on the bottom bunk. So naturally I assumed it was something he dropped. The first time something dropped, it was barely anything, and I brushed it off. Then it happened again, much more loudly. I woke and reached to find it so that I could give it back to him in the morning. As I was reaching, I gripped something that felt familiar - it was my notebook. Wow. I later found out what fell from the top bunk was an extension cord that my roommate uses to charge his cell phone. But still. To find the notebook of all nights in such a way - Amazing. I guess its a reflection of how God never gives up when searching for you.

Writing

2009-01-08T13:29:00.000-08:00

I havn't written in a long time, but I just felt like writing. That's it i guess. just a start.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

2008-05-28T21:49:00.000-07:00

I love it.

And... I am...

2008-05-20T14:27:00.001-07:00

Done!

Day 2

2008-05-18T01:12:00.001-07:00

Well, here is day two.

Basically... let's see. Today - all i did was study. Oh wait no... i went into campus to pick up a graded paper in dwinelle, but when I walked up to the main office, no one was there. It was around 10:30 so I decided to wait it out a little bit. Little did i know that no one was coming because it wasn't even open on saturdays. wow. that made me pretty sad. oh well. So on my way home i wanted to get some subway, but there was this line that was taking forever cause someone was ordering like 4 footlongs. so i decided to get some chipotle but it wasn't open until 11 and it was about 10:45. but i decided to wait it out. But then I thought to myself why don't i just get subway then cause it'll take less than 15 minutes for sure, but the line about doubled in that little walk from subway to chipotle and back. Couldn't believe it. Then on my way back to chipotle I randomly met Annie at that new market place - Sam's place or store or wherever. You know that place that still has that HUGE rexall drugs sign on it... yeah that place. I walked with her until we reached the student store, which i went into to buy a pen that i really needed. So i went downstairs to where they keep all the pens, and other stuff, and there was this four-colored pen that i needed for my physics cheat sheet. It was like $1.39. So right now im like reallllly short on cash. Like no joke short on cash. So i was like thinking - is this really worth it? But i decided to buy it anyway. Well, it ends up that the pen actually costs like $3.50. Wow. Not worth it. So i just left. big waste of time. Well now its like 11:05 and by now the line in subway is HUGE. The five dollar subs are really working or something. So i decide to go to Chipotle cause come on - its been open for only 5 minutes. The line is HUGE too! I was just amazed. So i was just tired of it all and decided to wait at chipotle. By the time i got home, it was like 11:30 and i was tired and hungry. So i ate my chipotle burrito. It was... delicious! Man! So goood. Wow. so goooood. It was like perfectly made. All smiles. well, after that i studied, took a nap, and then studied again. But i guess today was a lot more interesting than I thought when i looked back on it. i did a bit more than just study all day. haha. i guess that's what this blog is for though. To really capture those little moments that you'll never really remember, but nonetheless are still moments - no matter how annoying or pointless. Wow. I really need to study.

Ron

Three days before my last final of my 2nd year

2008-05-16T20:41:00.000-07:00

Well... here goes nothing:

This is my very first blog entry. Ever. May 16, 2008. 8:41 PM. Twenty years old, three days before my last final of my 2nd year, Lakers up 56-41 against the Jazz game 6 (3-2 Lakers) with 1:43 seconds to go in the half, Lebron going to game 7 against the Celtics three days before my last final of my 2nd year, after watching episodes 3 and 4 of How I Met Your Mother Season 2, checking facebook, then gmail, then facebook, then nba, then gmail, opening the window cause it's so hot, and then finally doing one physics problem three days before my last final of my 2nd year, then nba again, and then facebook, and then randomly.. well randomly... here. Three days before my last final of my 2nd year, with about 300 pages, 13 chapters, 3 million problems of physics 8b three days before my last final of my 2nd year, I am here... deciding to start a blog. Where did it all go? Well, Lakers are up 62-43 at the half now - game 6 - hoping to get to the western conference finals for the first time in 4 years. 4, or 3? Well, let's see... I was a high school senior when they played the Suns three years ago where they were up 3-0 and lost. And one or two more years before that was when Shaq got traded and they've never been to the finals since then... so about 5 years actually. I don't remember actually. Heh and now its three days before my last final of my 2nd year. Where did it all go? One more final, and I am pretty much a junior in college - an upperclassmen, a role model, someone mature who knows "what they're doing in their lives," Twenty-one years old. I can't believe it. I really can't. I can't believe it because I thought about all of it and there was just so much going on that I can hardly even remember... well anything. There are memories - lots of memories - here, top dog, jaguar, SF, the big C, Pimentel, 100 GPB, campanile, your house, his house, her apt, my place, and there. But you know I thought to myself - what about the little things in life? That small little insignificant detail that really made your day, but really didn't matter in the big scope of things, but still during that day it really made you smile... what about that? I want to remember that moment before it flies away, or maybe melts away considering this crazy heat. Seriously though, why is it so hot? You know it's hot when the papers on your desk stick to your arm while you're writing a blog and then there is this weird wavy part on your paper, cause it got wet from sweat, that really doesn't bother you at first, but it eventually does so you just have to throw that paper away as long as it's not important. And if it's important, then you really wonder why oh why is it so hot?! Anyway... so here I am three days before my last final of my second year, deciding to take a moment to just sit back and write about "what is up." Why did I put that in quotes? Cause i thought it would be cool, but it really isn't. I considered - you know - backspacing and getting rid of it but i thought it wouldn't really be worth it and i realized writing this part reaaally isn't worth it, but erasing it would realllllllllly make it not worth it, so i decided to keep all of it while still adding more. Wow. that was pointless. So the Lakers are "rolling in the third", and it is 9:12 PM, Friday May 16, 2008 writing my first blog entry ever three days before my last final of my 2nd year, hoping to write down every memory before it melts away, and just smiling at the fact that I did not check my gmail, or my facebook, or a single physics problem for a record time of 31 minutes. And seriously, why oh why is it so hot?! My cheat sheet is ruined...

Well, there went nothing... until next time,
ronald, ronnie, ronstar, ronaldo, ronaldhino, ronmeister, or just plain old... ron.

Edit: Lakers win. They are going to the western conference finals. Most stressful game I've ever listened to. Yes. listen to. because i don't have a tv. or espn. but whatever. Western conference finals. all smiles.